The Wall

There’s a story I began a long time ago. I really liked this story. It details the beginning of a now pretty much dead genre called Cyberpunk. I wanted to know where the whole thing came from? How did the world end up as messed up and dystopian as your typical world? And more importantly, I wanted to tell the tale of people, because at the bottom, middle and top of every story, it’s usually about people. It’s what we’re interested in. Of course, the where, how and when is important. It frames the conversation, but if there’s no real who, then the whole thing is an exercise in world building a world without a population. That’s… not as fun to read as you may think. When’s the last time you read of a dead world without someone to witness it, or someone who will be affected in some way?

So I made it about some people. These people, these characters? They didn’t care about the birth of Cyberpunk. They wanted to stay alive, they wanted to make it. The bad guy was just doing something so logical, it wasn’t even bad to him. It was necessary. Appropriate. It had to be right in his (gender neutral usage) context.

So I have three main characters, all heroes in their own right. They’re interesting, and fun, and they all have their own hangups. The thing is, I don’t seem to be able to move the story on. I've been looking at this thing for the last two weeks wondering how to progress from here. I've been getting around it by getting the other projects up-to-date, finishing my short stories that I put up, and generally not stopping the whole writing thing, whether it be editing or something else. but I’m not writing. I’m not creating. I’m not doing the thing on the big story, the one that should be holding me tight. So again, I’m reaching out and trying to figure out how to do it.

Eventually I’m going to end up writing what’ll probably end up as pure crap for a bit, just to get into the swing of things. I don’t want to do that. Or maybe I’ll have to accept that this is the cost of starting a story and then leaving it for so long. Maybe there just isn’t any good way of getting into it, and the only way to go back to the story is not think about cutting it up, moving it around, peeking around plot points or fixing the characters or understanding motivation, or whatever I think may help in the end, but to put my fingers on the keys, type out whatever awful phrases or concepts are rattling around in my mind and just get it down.

I can’t go back to the phase I was in when I lost myself in the words and knew exactly what the next chapter or sentence was going to be like.

I guess that’s why the whole process of drafting and then redrafting exists. But I’m mightily tired of going to the same place and not knowing how to move it forward. You can’t fix something that hasn’t been written yet.

Which kind of brings me to my current dilemma: instead of doing what I’m telling myself to do, why am I still writing about doing the writing instead of actually doing the writing? Beats me. But if I knew all the answers, this blog would never have been born. I think it’s time to give this particular wall the death of a thousand keyboard cuts.

Annus horribills

It’s been a year. I’d love to say it’s been a great year, or a fantastic one, or even mention that it’s been an eventful one... in the sort of tone which means unexpected and yet wonderful things have happened. For me, it’s just been a year.

It wasn’t a good year. This blog will be a year and a day old. Go figure. Time keeps happening, whether we want it to or not. I've been doing a lot of looking in at myself and how long its taken me to get here. I've done a lot of soul searching in that time and found the place a little emptier and arid than I’d have expected. Or maybe not.

I finally got into the habit of writing, and then got out of it, and mostly just floundered around for a long time. Nowadays I accept that I’m kind of there, but more so than a year ago.

I wrote about people who were emotional, and over the top, and who were raw and real. I’m a writer, I made that stuff up all the time. When I finally take a quick look back over the year, I need to remember that somewhere in those last three hundred-sixty something days, I learned something. I need to remember that it wasn’t all loss. That there were also good times. There are always good times.

There were wins. If someone does come across this blog and gets to reading, then I’d like to make one request of you.

Whatever it is - the thing that you want to do, but have never tried to do it seriously - give it a shot. Just try. And then try again. And keep on trying. You’ll get better at it, and you’ll have found your happy.

Happy can be its own reward. Go find you some happy. If it’s something creative, even better, but that’s not important. Go for a walk. Watch a plane fly across the sky; heck, make imaginary shapes up in the clouds if that’s what does it for you, but do something. Actively get out there and get you some happy. It might not be perfect, but enjoy it for the intent at least as much as the thing itself.

Get your happy on. Do life.

Too Long

I suck at Tumblr.

I also suck at quite a few other things, but I've recently started using Tumblr to post up the book in chapters, and I just don’t get how to interact with the world of Tumblr. I also joined a writing community and am posting there for feedback about story, character, plot - actually I think I ticked every available box for someone to take a look at my story to let me know where the holes are. Unsurprisingly I haven’t had a huge amount of feedback. It’s probably like the exact amount of feedback I’ll be getting from agents (have I mentioned I’m putting together a database/list/spreadsheet of agents that I’m querying to?) and publishers and from people at large if I do end up putting the book on Amazon or Barnes & Noble or wherever fine ebooks are sold.

In short, although I haven’t updated this recently, I've been not lazy. I’m still trying. I’m still not writing every day, but I am trying to do something most days. The reason I mention is is because I’m feeling a little bit defensive. I wanted to put a new post up every month, just to show myself, if no one else that I can actually do stuff, and that I have been doing stuff.

I’m not the only person in the world who says “I can write a book.” I’m just one of the people who decided to get up and start. And then grind through it. And then keep going. And that’s all it takes really. I didn’t need to be amazing, or gifted, or have the most fantastic, unique and spell-binding story to tell (but of course I hope so. Everybody should hope their story is the dog’s whiskers in their heart of hearts), I just needed to be the one to do it. And keep going.

Its now almost a year since I started to get really serious and explore new avenues to prove it could be done. To prove to myself and anyone else that it isn’t impossible. In that time, I’ve learned so much, found a person at work who is an insanely competent line editor and been endlessly surprised by a close friend of mine who’s been with me every step of the way from down to up and all the way around.

I took a look at some of the short stories that I've either written or mostly written (story of my life, but you get the idea), and I've polished them a bit. I've put two up online in a kind of serialised format to see what other people think, and you know the most important thing I've learned from all of it?

Mostly, it’s that people don’t care. That’s a liberating realisation. It means that I can learn, and make mistakes, and keep trying. It means that I can keep getting better, and failing, all the way up until I don’t fail. I can connect to people and they’ll actually be interested in what I’m doing because they’re a self-selecting audience. I may not be earning money from this, but I will be learning a whole heap of stuff which will stand me in good stead. I’m doing the equivalent of paying my dues. I’m putting out a tester for people to see. I’m practising. And nobody cares. People tend to not focus on failures, but they sure as heck like to see successes. I don’t need to advertise my name - but I do need to start advertising my content. So I’m working on creating more.

The second part to this is understanding how to present myself and my work. It’s about finding that balance between being alone long enough to knock a few words out and finding, establishing or joining in a community that does care. That’s what Tumblr is for so many people. In an effort to describe it to people, I've called it Facebook for pictures, but it isn’t. It’s so much more than that. There is a large part of the site which revolves around pictures though, and about sharing, but whilst this is an inspirational and uplifting thing at times, the flip side of it is that when you’re someone like me who has the visually artistic ability and acumen of a dying amoeba in one of the lower parts of the Atlantic Ocean, it becomes a bit of a challenge. I can’t talk in pictures or gifs if the sale of a story depended on it.

Added to the fact that the UI is simple and easy to use, and we have a problem. Granted the UI is simple and easy to use, but I cannot wrap my head around it. Every time I think I've got it nailed, I learn something else. I think I understand queueing, haven’t quite worked out drafting (come on, how hard can that be? What’s wrong with me?) or scheduling… Am I over-complicating things? Why can’t I repost a picture from someone else’s site when I did the exact thing not five minutes ago? Have I completely lost the ability to learn new tech?

Right now, at the point I’m writing this, I suck at Tumblr. I’ll have to get better because I can see in it a community that cares, and somewhere where I’ll get honest feedback. It may not be pleasant to hear, but I get the feeling that it’ll be constructive for the most part. It has been purely positive so far, and that’s phenomenal. At the point in writing this, I've been terrible at keeping this blog updated. Right now, I think I should have been much further along in getting my last story out of the door, and I most definitely should have been working a whole heap more on my second story.

Picture time

The fourth and final draft is done. It feels so dang good to have this story put to bed for the time being. I met someone at work who has a friend who wrote a book and gave me some advice on submitting to an agent.

Some of it I'd read up on. She helped me understand what I'd need to put inside my submission letter/profile, and that most editors will ask for the first 3 chapters. This is a concern. I don't think the story starts off too slowly... but what if it does? I have a prologue, which isn't a traditional chapter long. Does this count as one of the chapters? Do I have to 'beef up' my story to be more punchy? I don't know. I think I've done ok, but it would be really nice to get some feedback at some point. A lot of what I've been doing is pretty much making it up as I go along, and listening to the internets for advice. I'm sure it'll be fine. It helps me fix my tech problems, so why not? Who wouldn't believe everything they read on the internet?

There was other advice. Mostly around getting an editor. There are freelance editors around, and I know the book needs editing, but for a high level look at the work, the one I was recommended came in at about £500. That's... That's a lot in my world. a Hell of a lot.

I know the story would be better off being under an editors 'tender' graces. I know the book is too long. I also know that since I'm unable to see it for myself, the smart move is to leave it as it is, start thinking about the other bits, and once that's done - move on. Next book. I'm hoping guessing I'll probably learn way more from writing another story than going round in circles.

So next steps: Focus on getting a cover, understanding how ISBN's work. There's a site called Nielson which gave me the pricing for ISBN's. Although I could buy more, the lowest two pricing packs are £132 for 10 ISBN's (£13.20 for one) and £318 for 100 (which works out to be £3.18 for one). Someone, somewhere would probably understand the economics a lot better than I do why the pricing discrepancy is so large. I mean come on - 1000 for £846? So big publishers are paying eighty-four freaking pence for the same thing I have to buy at £13.20? I understand economies of scale, but that's off the hook! Still, to get in the writers club, I think that's just the cost of doing business.

Why am I worrying about all this stuff about covers and ISBN's if I'm going to look for an agent? Because like everyone else, agents are rather busy, because they're all probably looking for something with that certain je ne sais pas. I don't think my first book necessarily has the x-factor, to borrow a tv trope. I don't know that it hasn't, but I don't have any feedback. I think I've covered this already. No, tell a lie, there has been one person who's been wonderful enough to challenge me to think about my story and keep challenging me in order to make it better. It worked. Does 'better' mean 'good'? We shall see. So, I'll do the research into agents and offer it out and keep track and wait all those months and offer it to just one agent at a time in the format that they've asked for (hard copy? Really? Do people still want that IRL?) and anything else that's required - oh yeah, more on that later. That'll take a while. Maybe it'll take years. 

In the meantime, I think I'll just go ahead after a while and self publish.

Who says my story will actually do well on Amazon rather than Barnes & Noble? Who says it'll do well at all? No one. Not a soul. That doesn't mean its not worth a shot. I mean, I've already done all the hard work, right? What would I have to lose?

Also, I still have to pay someone who can draw/paint/do arty things.

Oh, before I forget - my other blog colleague, the one who was also supposed to be posting stuff up on here? They mentioned they read the blog for the first time. No mention on whether they liked what I'd put up, or if they have cold feet and just can't be bothered. Not a peep on whether they have any impetus on doing something now they see if I can do it, anyone can do this. Nada. Zip. I'm not surprised. I'm not disappointed. I'm holding out hope.
In other news, I've gotten rid of the picture I was using as a background. It just didn't work and looked like a 5 year old created the blog. That's harsh, I know. Most 5 year olds have at least some artistic sensibilities.

Cover up

I've been lazy. I haven't done a darned thing that's been literally writing related for at least a week and a half, and now I'm starting to get a little antsy.

I've got some type of video queued for me the moment I get in from work, which pretty much tells you where I'm at mentally. Naturally, once I'm at home and watching the thing, I feel some vague feeling of discomfort, so there’s a lot of fidgeting and trying to do other things at the same time instead of just taking the time out to appreciate. 

I guess its my inner self trying to cajole me on, but there's always something more important to do, or something to prepare for, or some other reason why I'm not getting up and off my backside to actually do one of the things I need to do. In my admittedly very limited defence, I've also been trying to figure out what the heck my book cover will look like. With as much as I've learned on this journey, one thing I've come to the conclusion is that I can't see an editor or an agent being interested in picking this story up. Its not that I think its bad - I'm proud of where I've come from and what I've created, but I'm not sure my writing is that the stage where its publishable by a big publishing house... maybe not even by a small one. That's not to say that I won't consider sending it out to agents once finished is actually finished, but in the meantime, there's nothing stopping me from putting it up as an ebook at a less than paperback price where hopefully someone will enjoy it.

In order to do that, I'll need a book cover. I can't draw a full stop correctly, so I'm taking the time out to find someone somewhere who does have those skills that I can pay for. I went to a couple of my local bookshops to have a closer look at what book covers are like these days. It made me remember why I stay as far as I can from arty things. I've got the artistic skill of a cro-magnon trying to do fine art with a tree trunk as a pencil. Its been interesting to be able to pay attention, because one of the things that it made me do is look at my story and ask myself "who is the story for?" all over again.

And I still don't have a good answer. I know it wasn't written for an adult, and its not really a children's book. When I wrote it, I had my younger daughters in mind both in that not-adult-not-child-just-a-painful-to-cope-with in-between phase. It took me so long to get my thumb out of my nostril that they changed significantly in that period, so the voice I was using changed as well (That's one of the reason's I'm doing this passthrough, to have a consistent tone and voice as I can just feel there are two distinct styles of writing in first third and other two thirds).

I know it has a female protagonist, because, well - written for my daughters - why on earth wouldn't it? Does that mean I'm trying to target the female audience? not realllllly. Is it a tween book? I don't think so. Is it YA? Kinnnnda. I've given up trying to accurately categorise it. Its not a bats vs wolves type of book, so no picture of the heroine swooning, or of a suave and yet somehow dangerously cute young man on the cover. This is more adventure, less swash, but there's a little bit of buckle thrown in amongst everything else. There's a little bit of coming-of-age, but more coming-of-self, of finding and creating and identity, and most of all, of independence. I wanted my heroine to be the main character, and if she's doing any swooning, by gum there'd better be some time of legitimate biological reason for said swoon.

In any case, I have a vague idea of what the cover could or should look like. I need to be able to communicate that to someone crazy enough to take it on for the meagre amount of money that I'll have to save up to pay them for. Apparently I also have to write some type of contract. Woah. That is seriously not something I'd expected when I started this journey.

Still, as one of my favourite all-time characters, Dorrie says, "I didn't know you could speak whale!" Sorry, wrong quote. The one I'm thinking of is to make sure I keep plodding through it all, and "just keep swimming".

Before I forget, let me introduce to a new word that just sends chills running down my back: Typography.

Seriously? 

Say, don't spray

Maybe a week and a half ago, could be a fortnight ago, I was so glad. I thought the final draft was done. I thought I was well and away and I wouldn’t have to look at the thing again. Oh foolish, foolish me. It turns out that there are about three more rounds to go from what I've been learning in the interim, and I think this manuscript needs them. Maybe other stories won't. Who knows anymore?

At this point I’m past caring. I've had to step away for a while because each word or sentence is looking very similar to every other sentence, so I think a break from this story is a good idea. I’ll start working on the outline for the last part of another story I've been working on for a while, and its enough of a change of a genre to clear out my editing head. Once I’m done on breaking down the plot into chunks I can go back and do the last three passes on this one, which at this point I think are a details and description pass, a dialogue pass, and a line edit pass where I think is the stage where I go line by line and make sure there aren’t any stupid typos. I say ‘stupid typos’ because I've got a very uncomfortable feeling that the intelligent typos will be a lot harder to spot; they’ll be the the ones I’m blind to because I’m the one who wrote them - you know the things that sound just fine in your head, but come out a little bit weird on paper. They’re the ones I always have had trouble with, so it’ll be a fun challenge to figure out a system to be able to spot them. I’m not holding out much hope that I’ll nail all, or even most of them, but that’s ok. It yet another step I need to travel on, and I’ll get better over time.

The details/description pass is needed because although the story was intended to go at a fairly decent pace, it's also a little sparse in descriptions of things. In no way do I want to litter the book down with prose that describes every little thing, but a sense of place, or person, or location is kind of required if a story really wants to stand out and live inside the readers head. I’m not entirely sure I could do florid and evocative if my life depended on it, but there should be something. This is the pass where something gets added in. What does home look like? What was the stand-out thing that captured the protagonists attention the moment they arrived at the end of the journey? What was the last thing that stuck in their head before they suffered a tragic setback and now haunts them for the rest of their days?

After that, I reckon its going to be a dialogue pass. I don’t really need one of my characters to have a speech impediment, but I do need them to stand out from one another when they talk. Why not? My best friend doesn’t speak to me in the same way my old school teacher did, so I need a way for the characters, plot or relationships between them to stand out separate and distinct from each other when they open their mouths. Its going to be a tricky one, but its not impossible if I work through the people one by one. At least, that’s the way I’m going to approach it and see what happens.

The very very last thing I will also need to do is go through what I’m going to call a tightening round. This is the part where I think I’ve got to chop about 10% from the whole thing to make it tighter. How on earth do you figure out how to get rid of eight thousand six hundred words and still keep the story feeling like - well, the story?

Not entirely sure, but it’ll be an adventure finding out. If I was able to spray that much wordage down on a virtual page, then I guess its my job to tidy it up into a leaner, meaner beastie of a story. I’m licking my lips in anticipation.

Do what?

A family member just asked what was going to happen once this story is finished. There has to be a point when you're done, right? So what happens next?

That one had me stumped. This is a purely personal view, but stories were meant to be read, or told, or even sung, but definitely shared in one way or another. That's how you're supposed to be able to tell if they're any good, and whether more stories should be let loose into the world. This one... This one just needed to be written and done with, but there's no aim - should it be shopped around for a traditional publisher, should it be posted up on a blog somewhere for free to be used as advertising? Is it good enough for that? Should it just go straight to ebook, or have a chat with the Amazon publishing imprint?

They're all good questions. The story is aiming for a particular market, so there's a start, however right now, I just don't care. It doesn't matter at this stage because no matter how the story is going to end up coming into real life for people to read, its not there yet. Until it is done, reread, checked and signed off on mentally, it can't actually go anywhere yet.

Who wants to read a half-finished anything? So yeah, the question will ultimately need an answer, because that will provide a direction of where it goes once it has actually been finished. That answer doesn't need to be given now.

I've done two revisions, and I think I'm going to either deal with one plot that isn't so much as dangling as needing a quick darn with a needle and thread resolution... and when I say quick, naturally the alternative wording is something like long and torturous. Everything seems to be linked to everything else somehow, so unpicking it is proving a real... ache. I'm learning. And I just need to keep in mind that it doesn't matter. I can just keep going and learning all the time.

I'm not done yet. And oh yes. This monster has grown to 85 000 words. For a young adult book. I'll also need to learn how to chop that sucker down somewhat drastically. At least 10%, but probably more like 15. When I'm done? I may never be done.

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